Claremont Independent

In a bold, surprising move, CMC President Pamela Gann recently announced that CMC would relocate to Singapore to save money. In an address to the Board of Trustees at their annual retreat, she said, "We are in the age of globalization and the market for liberal arts colleges is becoming increasingly competitive."

"Singapore presents Claremont McKenna with an unprecedented opportunity to be unique and entrepreneurial," Gann explained in her weekly, lunchtime interview with The Claremont Port Side's Michael Wilner, who both idolizes her and depends upon her for all his stories. "Why study abroad in South Asia when you can live there? This move is sure to put us ahead of Pomona in US News-maybe even Swarthmore!"

Gann was surprised to be met with criticism from several student groups. The Environmental Jihadists complained that even more students would have to fly across the Pacific. "It was bad enough that those pesky international students cause global warming," says Emily Meinhardt CMC '10. She plans to coerce dozens of students to plant trees to offset the emissions.

To this concern, Gann replied, "I have already consulted with representatives from ASCMC, and they have agreed to travel strictly by 'booze cruise.' The ships will not only provide delicious beverages certain to make the trip enjoyable, but they will also in fact be powered by pure alcohol, just like CMC." Discussions are still at work with Professor Marc Weidenmier to develop the perfect alcohol-based economy.

Other groups, like the Ultimate Frisbee Team, were concerned about Singapore's strict restrictions on civil liberties. In regards to civil liberties, President Gann remarked "Psh, Like you had them here!" She later reminded reporters of Pomona's nascent ban on questions. "Nothing says Puck Fomona like moving across an ocean."

President Oxtoby applauded the move by Gann. "I was initially disappointed that President Gann didn't sign the Amethyst Initiative, [a proposal calling for a lower drinking age on campus,] but now I see that she's really taking the lead.

She doesn't want to wait for federal law to change. She wants her students to drink as soon as they get into freshman year without the burden of the lawsuits." Singapore's legal drinking age is 18 and its age of consent is 16.

Gann brushed off complaints that Singapore gives the death penalty for first time drug offenses. "Singapore is just one step ahead of us, their policies are much more efficient. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a degenerate or two to get the point across." she said, citing her Administration's failed drug war. "Just look at Phillips," she said. "We are one step away from declaring it a failed dorm."

Gann, who is a staunch fitness enthusiast, said she was ultimately convinced by Singapore's compulsory conscription, which she says will serve as the definitive PE and will promote class unity. "Aren't you tired of fly fishing on the grass or raquetball? Nothing says class spirit than working together-men and women-in a live fire exercise. "We spent the past 63 years turning you into leaders. Now we're ready to take the next step. From now on, CMC will refer to its students as 'dictators in the making.'"

Psychology Professor Ronald Riggio applauded the move, but he encouraged students to be better followers when in Singapore. "Leadership is all and good," he noted, "but we must do a better job training the next generation of mindless office drones." He pointed to Singapore's proven success.

Meanwhile, campus groups like APAM plan their takeover of ASCMC. "Finally, white people will be in the minority!" said one member. Gann admitted that the transformation would be tough, but told students to take heart.

CMC has already begun implementing necessary changes. The Judicial Board now comes fully equipped with canes, and bias-related incidents now include chewing gum and voting.

"We're going to have to adapt to their culture, but you can be sure that we'll be keeping some of our old rites once we set foot on the mainland," Gann explained. "We'll show those Singaporeans how to sink a cup. Sure, they'll do some naked runs, but in time we'll have reconciled our differences, learned from each other, and ultimately overtake Amherst and Williams in the rankings."

The move is expected to save almost $5,000.

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